Harald Schmidt: Wurstsalat makes me happy

How many beer coasters did you sign during your trip to Upper Austria?

Plenty. I sign everything — even toddlers if they’re hoisted up to me. I’m not picky about it. What truly captivates me is hearing what people have to say. I found myself deeply engaged in conversations. Many locals spoke of Thomas Bernhard as though he were a major football star. They recounted tales as if they personally knew him, describing what he would order at the inn, and how he would often sit quietly in a corner, simply observing the people around him.

It appears that you have taken quite a liking to Upper Austria.

Absolutely. It was my first visit, and honestly, I first had to look up where exactly Upper Austria even was. These research trips can be quite the eye-opener. I hadn’t realised that much of the Salzkammergut region is actually in Upper Austria. The landscape had me mesmerised, and the cuisine? Fantastic. And let’s not forget the people — remarkably hospitable and open. That was definitely my impression.

You once said, “The Interrail Pass is an invention for people too ugly to hitchhike.” Do you still enjoy travelling by train?

Oh, I definitely count myself among those too ugly to hitchhike. I love travelling by train, and you Austrians have got it down to an art. On my trip, I took a train to Lambach and found myself dragging my suitcase across the main square on a sweltering Sunday afternoon. The bemused expressions of people watching a madman with a suitcase in Lambach at noon were quite something! 

How do you manage with the Upper Austrian dialect?

Quite well. People generally spoke to me in what’s more or less standard German but with a charming accent, which I absolutely adore. Being from Southern Germany, it’s not too far from my linguistic backyard. I can’t say I’ve mastered Upper Austrian, though. At least a couple of innkeepers were quite amused — or perhaps a bit annoyed — by how we Germans butcher “Frittatensuppe”. It seems my pronunciation leaves much to be desired.

Does Upper Austria have a unique inn culture?

Absolutely, it’s palpable. The inn culture is deeply embedded in the people’s lifestyle here. The inns we visited are often run by the same families for generations. You can sense this tradition immediately upon entering. Regular patrons have their own designated spots, and there’s a genuine vibe — nobody’s dressing up like they’re on a folk music set. People are authentic, as they should be. That’s what guests expect: an inn that feels like it did back in the days when smoking indoors was still the norm.

Eating as a mark of identity is a recurring theme in your book. What does it say about Thomas Bernhard that a simple sausage made him happy?

It demonstrates his appreciation for the quality found in simplicity. I share the same sentiment. I don’t need elaborate presentations or fancy garnishes. For me, a Wurstsalat with farmer’s bread is pure happiness.

Is the inn the last bastion of the sophisticated dirty joke?

I wouldn’t exactly say that. I mean, I’m practically a walking bastion of dirty jokes. But even so, I always preface them with a trigger warning: “Attention, the next joke might offend!” If someone opts out, that’s perfectly fine by me; though it’s their loss, really. As for the inn, it requires a certain fit. If someone walks in and starts fussing over their cutlery, immediately I know they won’t quite blend in. These are the same folks who might complain about the sauce in a dining car. Dining car food has its own charm, exactly because it tastes like it’s from a dining car. If it’s too fresh, it actually bothers me.

It seems like you ate your way through your road trip…

Yes, that’s true. I sometimes indulged in three lunches a day, all in the name of getting the right photos for the book. The Wurstsalat at Kirchenwirt in Ohlsdorf was exceptional. Then there was the Tafelspitz at Hotel Schwan in Gmunden — an absolute revelation with its beef in broth! And at Gasthof Klinger, I couldn’t help myself; I had three servings of Frittatensuppe. Yes, I might have gained a kilo, but thankfully, my genes are quite forgiving!

Is eating the sex of old age?

For me, it certainly is. I like to combine the two. I eat during sex.

Thomas Bernhard was a connoisseur, and pleasures come in all kinds of shapes and forms. What do you enjoy?

I delight in anything that involves language. It’s the small, everyday moments that captivate me. Like overhearing a couple arguing on a train, their voices hushed yet intense — it’s simply marvellous! Or when people playfully say goodbye with words like “Tschüssikovski” or use cheerful neologisms like “tipitopi” to describe a meal. These linguistic quirks really tickle me. Whether I’m in an inn, on a train or at an airport, language fascinates me. And sometimes, on walks, when I overhear groups of women my age, the tone of their conversations can be quite telling. I’ll catch something like, “This time that jerk’s going to bleed dry...” and I think, “Ah, someone’s divorce lawyer is upgrading his car soon.”

Ever since starring in “Das Traumschiff”, you’ve been closely associated with water — do you have a sailing or diving licence?

Neither. The thought of squeezing into a diving suit has me losing interest before I even start. While I love the idea of sailing, I prefer to enjoy it in the style of Onassis — letting others take the helm. The combination of water and mountains really appeals to me. In Upper Austria, you have those magnificent lakes, like Lake Attersee, which is a favourite among many actors. For my next holiday, I can imagine taking a train to spend a few days by one of the Salzkammergut lakes, then perhaps venturing off to France. That’s certainly on my agenda.

How would you describe Upper Austria to someone who has never been?

It’s a region of breathtaking landscapes, superb gastronomy and exceptional hotels. The locals are incredibly welcoming. Plus, I find that Upper Austria isn’t as swamped with tourists as Vienna or Salzburg. I frequently visit Austria for work nowadays, and for me, it genuinely feels like a holiday each time, just with a bit of stage time in the evenings. Truly wonderful!